I am aware that it is good to try and do/think/act/behave differently. I am aware that it is useful to discuss any reasons behind why I am fearful of doing things differently. Intellectually I understand all of this.

But when I am told of ideas that I could implement e.g being supportive of myself rather than critical, and I can't do it, I feel stupid and useless. And I beat myself up further for not being able to be kind to myself.

I hate myself for not being able to be nice, kind and supportive of myself. I feel as though I'm causing all of my problems because I cannot seem to get to this point. I just really really don't want to be supportive because I really hate me and I don't believe that being supportive will make me safe. I hate writing that I hate myself because I can hear how that sounds to others - it doesn't help to hate myself!

I know I need to take risks and try things differently and I genuinely hate knowing that I am the only person preventing myself from being the person I want to be. But it seems impossible to get past that barrier, if I say to myself 'Abby you are a good person, believe in yourself' then it will be a big fat lie.

I mean I know I have good qualities and I am not a bad person in that I don't do immoral things....but it is beneath that. I can't hear my therapist asking if there is another voice other than the critical one and saying 'can you be supportive' one more time - because I feel like yelling 'NO! - do you not understand, this isn't a choice I'm making, I get that it makes sense to be nice to myself but I CAN'T do it so stop saying it over and over again because just repeating it doesn't make it any easier!!'.

How do I find that voice?! Why does my therapist not realise I don't have that voice - or does she believe I do have one and therefore doesn't believe me when I say 'i can't and thinks I mean 'I won't.