I am pretty sure that this post would be moved here so I will just put here though I don't think it fully belongs here in just relationships and communications.

I wish I could give my brother what he needs, what ever it may be...

I wish I could help him let go of our horrible past with our parents and oldest brother's damage.

I wish I could just make all that he needs to "go away" go away with out the alcohol, with out the drugs, with out the pain of re living the pain over and over again

If anyone remember when I first started therapy- I really hoped it would give him the strength to go in to get help- I try not to compare but if a therapist looked at my life and his life- he would be the hand pick for the help over myself- I wish my steps could had helped- and NO I did NOT tell him of the bad of therapy that I had and the fall out of the therapist that I had---- I figured it would not do good, and maybe there could be a better therapist for him at the same place-- he did not go

I love my brother, but I have to keep distant.... I feel extreme guilt for having to do this-- He is in ways toxic, He can not let go of the past, in ways re lives it in his life, we did live together, as I have posted some where else of how that went- not so great- both were users, both are bipolar, both have extreme ptsd with our past-

He can not seem to get clean, he seems to not be able to "not escape reality" with the drugs and alcohol.

Sadly he picks some of the worse women to be with that use him, abuse him, and tosses him away... and yes he has flaws but he has a good person with in him

I do agree we are all cable of "evil" in some sort, we are yet human. But he does have a good heart.. He has continued to try, sometimes not the best route but still try.

I just don't know what else to tell him besides to not use the means of the drugs and alcohol to escape, and that to keep trying... and sometimes we do feel hopeless but yet we keep trying .. and I repeat what is told to me--by my significant other

Things Don't always turn out how we want, but they some how keep going and we are all ok in the end.......
and I will agree with it..

Today's conversation has turned me to the serenity prayer-- I am not religious and I don't think you have to be to relate to the verse.. It is a very human thing-- take God out and I think at least one line a human can relate too-- In my short life here on earth- I have related to each line.. and it has kept me from doing some bad things or turning back to the drug life at times..

I will put here the prayer that I use: I guess it is the long verse

God, grant us the...
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

I just don't know what to do about my brother-- I try to retell the last line of Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless...
I try to tolerate the difference that he and I have and his struggles from mine.... I just try to tell him the escaping is not a good thing..

Our last conversation before today, I told him-- Usually with me when I go to the bottle in times like these, I usually find that my life gets worse...

He is an intelligent person; I find it hard to understand that he does not see that pattern, he does not see the destruction

I wish I could give him the help that he needs, but yet I can't due to he needs to help himself before anyone else can..... and I just wish I could let him know he is worth it.

I am sorry for this babble- I suppose it is a vent, some where to write.... no one can really tell me what to do- I already know, I need him to do what he is going to do and just be the voice to encourage him to keep trying, and to better himself.

He tells me to be well and not worry about him-- I can't not worry about him, he has been on my mind for a bit and I wanted to check on him today and it is just getting worse again.

Yes at times I get so mad that he wants someone to pull him out- and Yes Boundaries (in one post it was told I need to set those-- and I am sorry If I broke that by contacting him today to see what is up)

I feel like bursting out in tears, i can't sleep today on it, too many thoughts, and work stress and just problems in my own life recently and that I need to get stuff done.... but I just wish- i could give him something to help him out

I just don't know some days...