Quote:
Originally Posted by Abby
I am aware that it is good to try and do/think/act/behave differently. I am aware that it is useful to discuss any reasons behind why I am fearful of doing things differently. Intellectually I understand all of this.
But when I am told of ideas that I could implement e.g being supportive of myself rather than critical, and I can't do it, I feel stupid and useless. And I beat myself up further for not being able to be kind to myself.
I hate myself for not being able to be nice, kind and supportive of myself. I feel as though I'm causing all of my problems because I cannot seem to get to this point. I just really really don't want to be supportive because I really hate me and I don't believe that being supportive will make me safe. I hate writing that I hate myself because I can hear how that sounds to others - it doesn't help to hate myself! 
I know I need to take risks and try things differently and I genuinely hate knowing that I am the only person preventing myself from being the person I want to be. But it seems impossible to get past that barrier, if I say to myself 'Abby you are a good person, believe in yourself' then it will be a big fat lie.
I mean I know I have good qualities and I am not a bad person in that I don't do immoral things....but it is beneath that. I can't hear my therapist asking if there is another voice other than the critical one and saying 'can you be supportive' one more time - because I feel like yelling 'NO! - do you not understand, this isn't a choice I'm making, I get that it makes sense to be nice to myself but I CAN'T do it so stop saying it over and over again because just repeating it doesn't make it any easier!!'.
How do I find that voice?! Why does my therapist not realise I don't have that voice - or does she believe I do have one and therefore doesn't believe me when I say 'i can't and thinks I mean 'I won't. |
I relate so much
and I'm working on this right now. When I'm in a depressed mood, I throw a lot of abusive, self-deprecating words at myself. My T has told me a couple things that have helped. She said that even though those things I say to myself really feel true, it doesn't mean they are true. Such a simple, yet powerful concept!
She's also been working with me on differentiating between "what I did was bad" versus "I am bad." I thought through it myself and said that I didn't think anyone was fundamentally flawed- as in, when i think of all the little babies being born, I wouldn't say ANY of them are "bad." That includes me then! Something I came up with was, since I have a picture in my room of me with my grandpa from nearly 20 years ago (I was about 5 in the pic), I can't throw those same harsh words at her. I'm her, and neither of us deserve to be verbally abused by anyone, especially not by myself.
My favorite response, though, is something my T said today. She told me that the next time those voices start saying I'm not worth it to
tell them a big "F*** you!" I grinned a bit at her cursing and she said that she wasn't kidding, she was being serious. That I should tell the negative voices "F*** you!" and "Go away!" I LOVE it! I can't wait to use this technique
And while I'm typing, I just remembered another thing. Something I'm working on continually is finding evidence that I'm not those things. It doesn't have to be a big reason, but just some small proof that I'm not so worthless/screwed up/pathetic/etc. At first I only had one example. Now, I'm slowly adding more. And I actually have been able to, in a time of distress, remind myself that at least those times I was NOT all those horrible things I say/believe sometimes.
I really hope I helped a bit!