Hello all....

I'm fairly new here...I've started a few threads in the past. I'm also a self-admitted "lurker" But really...I find that this forum has helped me understand a lot about therapy. But...I guess I have a problem with being able to put my relationship with T into a coherent perspective?

I have depression, (maybe bipolar ll), PTSD, a dissociative disorder (T hasn't specified), and plenty of trust/attachment problems. Anyway here is the problem.....

I can't seem to settle into a comfortable place with her. There's been times she's made me feel very cared for, and definitely gone above and beyond. She's endlessly patient and kind to me. She's a very well respected Dr. You would think that I would always be appreciative of this.

...But then there are times when I think, "Why would she do this if she really cares?" ...Which makes me think it must *all* have been an "act." Sometimes it's little tiny things and I am being unreasonable. But it doesn't feel that way. For instance:

When I was hospitalized the first time and very scared and upset, she told me over the phone she "will be there tomorrow." I waited all day and she never showed. She has said she is sorry...we've talked about it..but it still bothers me.

Here's a small example that shouldn't be a big deal. At my last appt, I became very dissociated. Then I end up getting upset and trying not to cry. So I barely get it out that I am having a hard time, when the beeper goes off and she instantly does her, "But it's getting late and it's time to stop" thing. No, "Are you ok?" or anything. I mean she goes over with people, she is not a very punctual T. So then I feel like, "She doesn't care."

So how can T care one day, but the next, i question whether it's always been "an act"? What is wrong with me? Even a less-than-connected session can have me feeling this way, on a smaller scale.

Sorry for such a long post....I tried to edit it down, but I am not very good at that.