I'm going to get straight to the point. I lost my virginity when I was almost 14, then he ditched me right afterwards. I felt stupid, but I didn't feel like he was a loss. I had my first real boyfriend not too long after that, but I walked in on him sleeping with my best friend. I felt betrayed, but once again, not my loss. Then my last boyfriend turned out to be a compulsive liar/conn artist. And like all the rest, I didn't cry. I self justified. I guess I am a strong person and don't settle for less. But I feel so strong to where it isn't realistic at times. I almost feel immune. I never chose to be "emotionally unavailable" or to put up walls, but at times I feel like they are there. I have met many guys, but none have caught my interest enough for me further explore the potential. Do I just have high standards? Or do I really not want a relationship? Because I find myself daydreaming about finding the love, if I didn't want love then why would I think about it? Yet I am in no rush. There are other things in my life that make me happy, but I just want to be sure there is nothing wrong with me. I'm so mellow. People all around me are falling in love, having boyfriends, crying, showing all these emotions. Me on the other hand, I'm just partying away. And when I'm not partying, I'm working, and when I'm not working, I'm studying, when I'm not studying, I'm sleeping. I'm always on the go, doing something. And throughout all these years all the way back to when I was 14, whenever I was single I would have sex with many guys. What is confusing to me is why I would do it because there were many instances where I didn't really want to, but did anyway. I've never even had an orgasm. I don't think its an attention or self esteem issue. But I wonder if I have ADD, because one night stands are common with that. I also wonder if I am trying to keep myself busy all the time to avoid certain thoughts. Because I realized in the past, keeping my mind off things works best. If somebody were to look at my actions now, all they would see is party, sex, school, work... but I don't see it that way. I feel everybody has a reason. I'm a honest person, I don't play with people's hearts or lead them on, but I guess I'm a heart breaker. I like to give guys a chance, because you just never know. But it never goes anywhere. I can't get close, yet I don't feel afraid... so what is it? Can I unconsciously be afraid? Am I forcing myself to give it a chance? I've cut myself off for a while from being available just because lately it keeps ending up the same, and somehow I am always made out to be the bad guy. Sorry my feelings aren't the same... what else can I say. Maybe its as simple as, I just haven't found the one? Maybe I'm over thinking things. I still wonder about the sex thing though... feedback anyone?