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T mentioned in my last session that I seemed angry with him at the end of group T the other day. He said that I had an angry look on my face and didn't say goodbye. At that moment, I wasn't sure what that was about, although I recalled feeling frustrated at the end of the session.
I gave it more thought....and then sent him this email:
"After our session on Thursday, what you said about me seeming angry with you at the end of Tuesday’s group stuck with me. It wasn’t until last night that I realized what that was about.
Towards the end of the session, you were supportive of (group member) and put your hand on his arm. I thought to myself, “that would never be me”, stirring up feelings of jealousy, sadness…and generating thoughts of how repulsive and unlovable I am.
Throughout the night, I kept recalling times when I was a young child…and my sister would gain my parents affection so easily. When she cried, they were attentive and caring. When I cried, most times they became angry.
After a particularly painful incident when I was 7, I had to get stitches on my face and mouth. I begged to have my mom stay in the room with me, but she didn’t want to. I was kicking and screaming while being held down by several doctors and nurses, so they could stitch me up…and I had no support with me at all.
I would beg my parents not to make me go outside to play when certain kids were around, telling them that they hurt me. My parents would insist that I needed to go outside and play and to stop complaining – or else. At times, I came home crying, and they would get angry and abusive. After a while, the crying stopped…the begging stopped. I stopped caring. I came to accept it.
When I married ex-husband, I found that he had an ulterior motive for his support. When I called him, hysterically crying when my dad died, he didn’t even leave work to be with me at the hospital. When he did, finally, offer some comfort to me later that evening, he made it clear by his predatory actions that it was merely a means of foreplay. I was beyond disgusted.
This leaves me so confused about what I want and need…and what’s safe and unsafe...and what’s truly genuine. It also leaves me continuously punishing myself whenever I feel anything even remotely close to being a desire for gentle caring, overwhelmed by a dangerous rage."
T responded that it was powerful insight and that I worked hard on this.
I said that I wasn't sure that the awareness is helpful, though. I have very little confidence in the idea of this changing, leaving me wanting to learn to not have those needs and just accepting that being alone is the end of the road, which is at least better than being with damaging people.
He said that if I'm able to figure that out, then I will have done what others haven't been able to do.
*sigh*
I feel so complicated. I want to feel cared for....but I'm scared to death of it. In my 37 years on this earth, I've experienced an abusive childhood, multiple csa, a sexually and mentally abusive husband for 14 years and controlling, unhealthy friends.
Instead of working on the fear, I'd rather work towards eliminating the desire to be cared for. Then, I can be alone - not risk getting hurt anymore - and be content and satisfied with that.
Unrealistic?
__________________
Don't follow the path that lies before you. Instead, veer from the path - and leave a trail...
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