((((RainbowRoad))))) I am SO so sorry that your own father did that to you. I do understand. It is not fair that you were given this burden to carry. It is so wrong. It is evil. And I am sorry for the pain that it caused and for the pain you still face while healing.

I want to offer you a few things from my own journey. My father served some jail time for being a pedo that managed to get caught one time. It is difficult to admit out loud what was done to us. The fact that FAMILY could harm us in this way is brutal. A stranger - well ok. But family? They are who were supposed to protect us. And being able to wrap our heads around the fact that our own blood betrayed us in those ways is so inhumane. It is beyond evil. And it is a very great loss.
We can't get back a relationship with a dad who does not harm us. And that is wrong... and not fair.

It is a very serious loss to accept in our hearts. And it is OK to yell at the world or at your "Higher Power" if you need to do so. In fact, one of my most healing momments was two years ago when doing my trauma work and I went out to a secluded beach on the ocean and I YELLED and YELLED and YELLED for about three solid hours at the top of my lungs and pounded the waves with all my might! I cursed whoever was "in charge" and I cried and I stomped. I allowed myself to be angry. Totally.

After I felt and said all I needed to say and got it all out there into the universe, I was silent on the inside. And I felt a peace come over me that is beyond words. I felt the universe had heard me. And then I felt at my feat in the ocean and there was a HUGE conche .... this was out on a beach that had hardly any shells. It was the universe giving me something new. It could never give me back what a selfish man had taken from me. But it gave me what was new and precious and just for me.

I highly respect you for the journey you are taking. It takes courage to face the pain and work through it honestly.