...I wish it didn't happen, but during the time I'm ripping into somebody or something that I feel has violated me...I'm actually SELF AWARE!

I mean seriously....painfull as it is, it feels kinda awesome to get so damn assertive enough to say, yell or scream...you SUCK!...or that SUCKS!.....or life is just a total TOSS!....or even just think it!
and then sit in the discovery for as long as needed.

...and I'm just guessing here that all of humanity does this to maintain some self esteem because people and things we come across just don't go our way some of the time?....or alot of the time?

...and thats where I screw up.....I'm so conditioned it seems, to feel violated, and so insecure and unidentified that I'm ready to devalue anything and everybody almost anytime. I could devalue the crap out of a door....so it unhinges itself and leaves the house!

I can easily idealize something as well, suddenly and intensely but not so often....but then I'm just waiting it seems for them or it to rip me off so then I can devalue the crap out of it or them.

...feeling self aware sure is a brilliant thing ...a real BUZZ!....for a walking identity crisis....but it sure has it's down side.

...other people can see the devaluing as deliberate, when it really is not.

it's part of 'my' borderline experience...it's difficult but I'm workin' on it