Im so sick of this %#@&#!. this life. i want to live. but i have no life. i cant seem to help myself no matter how sick i get of this. anti- depressants and other meds wont help. i have to help myself but i cant. i try. its so hard i say forget it and i find myself back where i started feeling even worse. i havent left the house in mounths. i havent had fun in years im at rock bottom and i cant get out. i cant even take care of myself. i see no point tho its not like im going any where. or am goin to do anything. im slowly goin insane. isolation is a son of a @#$%^. my family is sick of me. my mom is sick of me. THERES NO HOPE FOR ME. WHAT AM I TO DO. IVE TRIED AND FAILED AND FAILED AND FAILED. IM A FAILUER IM A LOSER I CANT EVEN CALL MY DAD AND SAY HI, HE IS DIEING. U KNOW WHAT, I WISH HE WOULD ALLREDY DIE. SO I WOULDENT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT NOT CALLING HIM. I HAVENT SEEN HIM IN OVER 4 YRS. HE CALLS AND LETS ME KNOW HOW BAD HE IS DOING. IM SURE ALL HE WANTS IS TO SEE ME B4 HE GOSE BUT FORGET IT. WHY CANT I GET UP THE COURAGE TO GO VISIT. BECAUSE IM AFRIADE OF NOT HAVEING NE THING TO SAY, AND LOOKING LIKE A FOOL. i tell him dad im depressed. he laughs . tells me he is the one that is depressed.
suicide. i fantasize. i cant .
i think about attemptin but being found and sent back to the mental hospital. maybe i would get help. no forget that. nothin will help. drugs wont help im not happy with drugs anymore they only take me away from reality for a short while. if i was given meds i would abuse them to sleep. to get some relife. ive been there it dont help. takeing them as prescribed wont help. nothin helps. i dont wanna see a doc. they cant help. i need a friend. i need to have somthing to do that i enjoy. i need a friend. i have friends. but i cant call them. im afriade. forget this %#@&#! what is wrong with me. i dont even think im afraide. i dont know what i am. i know i cant do this anymore. time is ticking my life is passing. and i sit and i sit. i need a change. i cant seem to change. i cant feel. i have no emotion. ive been like this so long im not even depressed anymore. ive gone beyond depression. so far beyond to a emotionless state. i dont know anyone else thats been in my situation. i read about ppl they are depressed and they have friends they have jobs they have if nothin some sort of a life. i got %#@&#!.
im to the point where suicide is the answer. i hold back. i wait. i sit and i wait. i dont know what for. im on the edge the other day i threw a glass in my brothers faces and told my mom to call the cops and send me back to jail for a yr for probation violation or get me a gun.
i moan. i dont cry ne more. i maon.
i wake up and i maon. i have friends in my dreams.
b4 i go to sleep i maon. another day wasted.
ive tried so hard berfore to make somthing out of my days. i would shower put on nice clothes. and clean the house. but i never get any where. i cant seem to get out in the world. i cant explain it.
aint there no way to get out of this? get me some alchole and depressing music and i will follow threw ive been close. so close. . i just need that little push and my familly is capibale of pushing me. they have no idea. they think they know. My mom tells me i will pass threw this fase of my life. she has no idea. It would kill me to put my mom threw my death. But how long can i last.