i dont know what to do. nothin will help . i guess im not strong enough to help my self. im the only one that can help.
soo what am i to do. sit and wait some more? try to pull my self out of this AGAIN ONLY FAIL. IM SICK OF FAILING. i know im a failer do i need to rub it in?i set gaols only to fail. i tell myself ok living like this u can change u can do it. start small. ok . yeah i can start small whats the point when it dosent get me anywhere closer to being happy. wanna hear some of my goals? haha u will laugh. i wrote a list. one is to shower every day. brush my teeth and take care of myself. less t.v. and computer and get active even if its just taking my dog for a walk, go upstairs and be social with my family.WHAT KIND OF GAOLS ARE THIESE? IM 20 YRS OLD. i can manage to do that then what? then my next step is get a job. well i was sooo close to having one. i actully got hired but i couldent go in. because i had anxiety and couldent sleep. i swallowed some cough med to help me sleep n woke up and had a panic attack. ok fine, i couldent sleep. they call the next day and i still dident go in. i dont have social anxiety. maybe just a small bit. but i used that as an excuse. thats my diagnoses. Failed the job thing. oh i tried. and i failed.
ok i failed. i dont care i allways fail. but i cant seem to wanna try anymore. i just want a life. i want one soooo %#@&#! bad it hurts. i cant wait for one to come along because its not eh. well i cant seem to go and get one, soo if i cant live its death. drugs. drugs dont bring me fun any more i cant afford enough of them. i would need a life time supply. a doc told me only way to be happy is to be sobber. ok . ive been sober for 8 mounths on my ANTI-DEPRESSANTS NOT MISSING ONE DOSE. I WASENT HAPPY . im just being real. i probly get banned from thiese fourms. but i dont care i dont know why i waste my time here everyday reading post to begin with. it will hurt to get banned but im used to not being wanted around. no one wants a loser around.
i had a thread in anxiety fourms no one cared what i had to say. the responses where lame half harted. i only got 1 hug. god when wiull this end? i asked you god. it was extreemly hard. but i asked with all my hart for strength.
i dont know how to get relife from this life. im thinkin about picking up cuting tho. watchin myself bleed. feeling some pain. ive learned to love pain. or pain has learned to love me.
dont respond your help is not welcome. theres is no help that will help. but my fellow depressed friends i love u. (((((((((((((((huges and tears)))))))))))))))
-A.J.