Sounds like now is the time to contact a therapy professional. they will help you that is if you want help and want to get better. the choice is actually in your hands.

I do know that suicide for me is not the answer and I also know that posting a threat of suicide is not allowed on many websites including this one so the national suicide hot line is

1- 800 -273-8255

They can help you right now with real time resorses in your area. all we can do here is read and offer support by telling you our experiences and how we handle it when we hit rock bottom.

I do many things - listen to music, read books, work in self help workbooks for example Mind over Mood and The Depression Workbook, Tho courage to Heal.

I also call friends and my therapist and pm those that I know have been where I am and have offered their "shoulder and ears" so to speak for venting and brainstorming ideas on things I can do to help myself.

Good luck and take care