I've been seeing my therapist since last October, which means I've had something like 20 sessions with her. I fully realise that therapy takes time to work, but I'm starting to wonder whether it's not taking a little too long, or perhaps all that is going to happen has already happened.

In October I was feeling very down, didn't do my job(s) properly (I had three temporary part-time jobs teaching at different universities last semester), thought about wanting to die almost every day (but never planning to kill myself - there are people in my ilfe who would be so very very hurt if I did, so I am never going to do that), felt like a failure and a let-down, and was unable to communicate with my husband. Those were (some of) the reasons I sought therapy in the first place.

Today I have a permanent teaching position - part-time, but more than enough to live on - at the university closest to where I live, and I haven't failed too badly at doing the job, so far. But I still feel very down, I am a failure professionally and socially, and I'm unable to communicate with my husband. (I know that "not failing at doing my job" and "being a failure professionally" sounds like a contradiction, but while I'm keeping up with the teaching, the research I'm trained to do is going absolutely nowhere, and that means I'm failing.)

I've tried bringing up some of these matters with my therapist, but nothing happens, I don't feel noticeably better by talking about it, and the suggestions she makes are not always particularly relevant to my situation. Which is fine, I mean, she's no mindreader and can't know exactly what my situation looks like, and she has to go on her own experience of similar situations.

It's not really that I don't dare open up or anything like that - or in part it is, I suppose, but mostly it's just that I don't feel... interested in telling her about things. Is that totally weird? I have a few close friends I can tell things to, such as how I'm feeling (I try to avoid doing that but sometimes it happens anyway), and when I've talked to one of them I'll think about the conversation afterwards; I'll feel better for having talked to somebody and I'll often obsess about what I said or didn't say, or what they said. That never happens with the therapist. I don't think about my therapy sessions once I'm out the door, pretty much.

I guess one problem with the situation (not with the therapist, you understand) is that I have a really hard time talking about personal stuff with women. I don't know why that is, but it's how it is and as far as I can remember it's always been like that. And then there's the language issue. I can't really talk about emotions or personal problems in my native language - when I do that I do it almost exclusively in English, and the therapy of course is not in English. I know it's weird, but again that's how it is.

This is not a very logical or reader-friendly post, I fear. I guess I just needed to think out loud for a bit.