1) I've gone through the motions of eliminating the unhealthy people in my life -

2) it's left me so incredibly alone. I went from having a husband, close family and close friends....to having none of those things.

3) When people asked me in the past if I started dating yet, my response was that I wasn't ready. I need to work on ME.

4) I am too fearful.

5) And it is so ingrained in me to feel unlovable, repulsive, ugly, etc. that I don't know how that could ever change.

Throughout the night, I kept recalling times when I was a young child…and my sister would gain my parents affection so easily. When she cried, they were attentive and caring. When I cried, most times they became angry.

After a particularly painful incident when I was 7, I had to get stitches on my face and mouth. I begged to have my mom stay in the room with me, but she didn’t want to. I was kicking and screaming while being held down by several doctors and nurses, so they could stitch me up…and I had no support with me at all.

I would beg my parents not to make me go outside to play when certain kids were around, telling them that they hurt me. My parents would insist that I needed to go outside and play and to stop complaining – or else. At times, I came home crying, and they would get angry and abusive. After a while, the crying stopped…the begging stopped. I stopped caring. I came to accept it.

When I married ex-husband, I found that he had an ulterior motive for his support. When I called him, hysterically crying when my dad died, he didn’t even leave work to be with me at the hospital. When he did, finally, offer some comfort to me later that evening, he made it clear by his predatory actions that it was merely a means of foreplay. I was beyond disgusted.