You guys are awesome!! Thanks for all the replies!

CantExplain, Thanks, I hadn't thought about it like that. That sounds like an impossible thing to me! lol.....but it wouldn't be the first time I've said that about something and been proven wrong. Sometimes I think my T is magic! I don't know how she does it.

I'll try to remember to think of it that way. Sometimes it seems like the chaotic emotions will go on forever. This is something that tempts me to quit sometimes.

SoFragile, I'm sorry it's so hard. I know how that feels. Yeah, when I look at it in a calm and logical state of mind, (which doesn't happen so often lol) I see she has gone "above and beyond." But then it's like, hey, if she cared how could she say that? Or not respond coldly to that? For me, I realize it's my black and white thinking. I know it's hard to be honest about how you feel about it. I've been trying to do that a lot more lately, and sometimes it just opens a can of worms that I wish I could close. Then it p****s me off, and I say to myself, "Well, I'm so upset, I'm not okay, and I'm sure she's completely forgotten about it and is just fine and going on her merry little way. "

I know it's so confusing. I'm sorry. At the same time I know it's the best thing for us to talk to them about it....it's hard but it does at least feel good to get it out. This is when I first started crying in therapy. Out of sadness and frustration. I ask myself if she thinks I'm crazy but I'm realizing more and more that T's hear a lot of this. Even if they didn't, we still have to talk about these things to get through it.

GrowlyCat, What you said does make a lot of sense. It kind of makes me want to ask my T about that.....And maybe throw a tantrum about it.
I see the reasoning behind it......It just makes me wonder how they can deliberately do that if they care so much.....But then it does logically make sense. It just feels a little....sadistic to me.....but then that's got to be some of my transference going on there, I am quite sure!! lol! Thank you for that insight.

SittingAtWatersEdge, You're right....it does take a lot of courage. I feel ashamed a lot.....even when I am in, "Dr. L doesn't care" mode, I still feel like a worm when I say something remotely unkind to her Because she still acts so darn kind most of the time Sometimes I wish she'd stop that! lol! I can't imagine being brave enough to express rage yet, but I'm sure it will come out eventually anyway..

More than anything, than you so much for saying what you did about her not coming to see me at the hospital. That really touched me...I guess it's that someone out there understands how that would feel so well that it would bring them to cry. It's hard to feel something that big without being understood. I'm grateful that I'm understood here. The people that I know in RL would never in a million years understand that. Big, big hugs! Thank you.

WikidPissah, You're right. Sometimes I forget she's not perfect and is in fact a human being. She can come pretty close to perfect sometimes, though. I really need to remember that she is human. And a really good one, at that. And if it weren't for the mistakes how would we be able to work on the relationship....and how would I ever get the opportunity to act like a nutcase or show her how messed up I am

VanessaG, Sessions on this subject are so hard, aren't they? I'm glad your T tried to help you better understand it logically.I think the problem there, though, is that none of these feelings are logical....and they're really painful. I know my T could try to help me understand these things logically until she is blue in the face...and none of it makes sense to me. In fact, sometimes the more she says the more cruel it sounds...no matter how logical it may be...

I definitely hear you about the "back n forth, back n forth." ....It really takes a lot out of you, huh? I find it very exhausting...

Did anything your T said about it make any sense? If he did, I'd love to hear it. lol!! Big hugs to you.....You're not alone here, either. We're in good company here.


Geez.....you know....I've really been just avoiding this topic so much with her lately....I even told her so.....I've been trying to forget the "logical" things she has said that sound so cold, and keep trying to get her to show "emotionally" that she cares. I'm trying really hard to delude myself here....and I know it.

Big hugs to everyone that goes through this. It just plain old sucks.

And thanks for reading this book of a reply, too! lol