So, an update from me...sorry I went missing, guys. A few weeks ago I had posted I thought I was having an early miscarriage..well, I went to the doctor and found out I wasn't and that I was about 6 weeks pregnant (2 weeks ago) So, I called my pdoc and got off my meds.

I was hallucinating again and got into a really manic state. So, I was having a hard time. Well, yesterday I woke up with severe stomach pain and went to the emergency room.

They did an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. They said that I had tissue (the baby) coming out. And, that not much was left on the ultrasound to see. The baby died. At 8 weeks. I've had three miscarriages, all around this time. So, on top of that, I was told I may have a genetic disorder that may not allow me to carry children. So they want to do further tests.

I called my pdoc and therapist, and am starting my meds back up.

I haven't left my room, brushed my hair or took a shower OR ate since I got back from the ER yesterday. I tried to punch my fist through a wall. I contemplated running my car into a tree on the way home.

Because of my faith in God, I can't commit suicide. But I can wish that God would of took me instead. I told my therapist all this, and my whole family is like, monitoring me. Thinking I'll kill myself at any second.

I'm just, so dead inside. I just lost my baby. I can't hardly breathe. I'm so depressed, this is the lowest point in my life.

How do you go on when you can't find the strength?