Trigger Warning... this is asking questions because I wonder if this is the reason I experience this... not intended to offend....

I grew up in a very volatile chaotic home with physical abuse and emotional abuse and suspected sexual abuse but have very little detailed memories.... This is ackward to ask and I dont want to offend...

I have certain fantasies that aren't normal.... and I've had these same type of fantasies since I was 12 or 13 ...when I wouldn't have known these things existed... and I wonder am I trying to somehow process something that happened to me? Or have I somehow have my mind so screwed up to think that violence equals love?

Has anyone else experienced this? I fear not,,,