((((((Darbypar))))))

When I was first diaganosed I had confused thoughts/pictures/images of my only daughter. I told my T I could "see" me doing things to her but it was not possible for {me} to do those things as I was not physically built that way. They took this very seriously as they should!! -----to make sure she was safe----It was only a short time--weeks/months of therapy for me before they figured out very quickly what was going on.

(not me--it took me much longer to understand--I fought the process--(I just wanted the world to stop spinning and let me off---too much lost time--too many crazy mixed up dates and people and places were out of my control)

It took time and communication with what I came to understand was my "alters" who held the memories to get the full picture. It was not {me} doing things but my abuser--it was not real, it only seemed that way-I was relieving/reliving/flashing the past. I can not say that this is what you are experiencing! We are all different-As unique individual groups, as individuals, as our experences and our pesent, our futures are all completely and uniquely our own.

My daughter looked exactly as I did at 1 1/2 until puberty, then she changed into her own very beautiful self. If you put my black and white photo next to her color photo and we looked like twins as you could not see that my hair was audburn not copper red and my eyes brown not blue. Twins 24 and a half years apart. Memories were bleeding though and I wasn't crazy--I wasn't going to hurt her, I lucked into good a T and P-doc who understood what was going on. I thought I was going crazy and was going to hurt my daughter-I never did. But they made sure by makeing sure we were both safe those first few weeks/months(?) I can never be sure of time. It did not seem long to me-I wanted her safe, so their insistance that I would not harm her puzzled me as they were sure long before I was. But they understood what DID was, and I was refusing to accept it, I just wanted them to stop the crazy-help me get my absolute control back-yeah I was a control freak, everything had a place, and everything had a place!!Thats how I kept my world safe, though my childhood--I could not sleep unless I was excatly in the center of the bed, my head between the two pillows, the covers complety smooth so that I was "invisible" and I had to fall asleep befor the lights went out or else I had to stay awake all night-----then it all went insane and strangers insisted they knew me, I "woke" up in strange places, dressed in clothes I would not be caught dead in-"suits and heels" "pink" someones bed!

But I did have to learn to trust the T and P-doc, learn to communicate, with my alters-(not something I wanted to do-I just wanted them to go away)-I will not say I was the best client/alter-I didn't like being DID, I just wanted a "normal" (what is normal-after such a beginning?) life.

It does get better. All of us here(in the PC---PsychCentral world) are different, I'm now intergrated-my life is not prefect-but it is so much better than it once was. For me it was hard work. It was all such a strange concept--I'm still learning!! Some here are not, some are working to be intergrated, some are not and are working/ learning to live as a group.

PC is the one place tolerance is not a dirty word, nor is acceptance. People have dissagreements but that is ok. It is ok to be who you are believe what you believe but allow everyone the same right. This is a good place to come.

I had entered this, then I was going to add a bit about medicine and it went blooy. So if this is a 2nd post, I apologize-it went back to some early pre-edited version-I'm very bad at typing.

About medicine, My alters had different reactions, I'm not sure if now-as intergrated I'm allergic to PNC or not but my P-doc said better safe than sorry. My safe docs went with very little meds, back then it was klonopin and valium and sleeping pills. Other P-docs tried to medicate alters into submission with every psych drug available, leaving me a zombie, w/ a lot of medical problems. Currently when things get difficult I use a beta-blocker like propranolol, it works very well for me.

May today be a bit better than yesterday. Learn a little bit more each day, and if you forget--thats ok, you can learn again tomorrow!