I had started writing this earlier, and it completely disappeared, I don't know what happened. So I am writing elsewhere and will copy and paste - if it is a duplicate, I am sorry!

I am new here, I have really enjoyed reading the posts.

I also would love others point of views on my relationship.

I am dearly in love with my boyfriend of 3 years. I'd marry him in a heartbeat. About 7 weeks ago and pretty much out of the blue, he told me that he wasn't feeling a "spark" and that he wanted to end the relationship. He said he'd felt that way much of the year, but that he thought I was worth it to try. My question? Why was I worth trying for 7 weeks and 1 day ago, but not now? Why didn't he tell me how he felt sooner? Keeping feelings inside is rarely beneficial - and sparks need to be made, they just don't happen. In the meantime, we brought in a stray cat, I moved a few more furniture pieces into the apartment, we did talk a little about the future, etc.

At the same time, if you saw us now, you'd not think we weren't dating. The evening he told me how he felt, he left for work a half hour or so later (gee, thanks!) and then when he came home I'd brought the blanket out to the couch - which I planned to sleep on and said "are you coming to bed"? (I did). We are still intimate sometimes - up to a couple of times a week - we spend much of our free time together, we'll sit on the couch holding hands or with his arm around me. He calls me on his way home from work. When I was out of town last month (and the phone calls would have cost way too much per minute), we spent several hours a night online talking to each other. He is hands down my best friend. We hug a lot, the other day when we went out to eat and were standing in line, he was in back of me and kept leaning into me. Our household roles are the same as they were a couple of months ago. He still often talks in a "we" sort of way - most recently saying that "we" should do what we did last year for the 4th of July and take a close relative of his with us. We did Thanksgiving with his family and will do Christmas as well. To be honest, our relationship is better than most marriages in many ways. Not in all ways - but this was his first long-term romantic relationship (my second, first was a 13 year marriage) and he is fairly set in his ways on some things. And as far as the difference between our relationship 7 weeks ago and now - I am the only one who says "I love you", we kiss on the cheeks unless being intimate and we don't generally hold hands out of the house (though he does sometimes put his arms around me when out and we do touch a lot).

Anyway, I want to do counseling. I bought some relationship workbooks that he said he'd work in and he has only done his on 3 different days (compared to 40 or so for me). I do plan to move out sometime probably in January, I just am not sure what to do. Do I cut him off a lot and hope that he realizes what a good thing he has? Do I spend time with him? I don't want to go, I do believe we have something very special and I don't want to screw that up in the process for good. I told him the only thing I really want for Christmas is him - either counseling, working in the workbooks, or both (which I'd prefer). That is it. He is a bit of a brick wall when it comes to talking about stuff like this - he can be the most wonderful, empathetic listener in the world. Except when it comes to us. Or anything else he is stubborn about. He doesn't always say what his on his mind - case in point, he knew that my last relationship was problematic because I wanted children (I won't go into why I wasn't having them). It took him a year and a half to tell me he didn't want them. I was floored - in the past, he'd occasionally said "if we had kids", and I asked him why he didn't say anything and he said "because you didn't ask". He fell for me extremely (very!) hard when we first met, so much so that it scared me and he even mentioned marriage. Now he says he isn't sure if he wants a long-term relationship/marriage with anyone. It is very strange, I honestly think he doesn't know what he wants and wish he'd explore that as well for himself. He also did something early in the relationship which deeply hurt me and asked me at that time to stay with him - I did. Now I'd love to have the same respect. After he told me he didn't want kids, I basically felt I had to choose between him and maybe someday having children. I am in my mid-thirties, so I am not sure I can have them or will have them at this point - so I chose him.

I do love him. If I thought things weren't really working, I'd cut the loss and mourn the relationship. He says he wants to be just friends now, but that isn't the way he acts towards me. Very often in the past he's liked a woman only to be told she didn't want to date him, just "friend" him. He seems to think that is the same thing as what I am going through - it's not. We have had a long term relationship, it is a lot easier to "friend" someone when you haven't. I have had to do it.

I went on longer than I planned, I am just frustrated. He is going to have this problem again in any long-term relationship if he just expects the romance and sparks to sustain themselves. I don't want him in a few years to realize what he had, and that I was the gold standard for his relationships (I am very low maintenance, I am not very materialistic, I show my love for him constantly and we do really get along well). I'd rather speed up that process, I don't want to be in another relationship when he realizes that maybe he did love me and didn't realize it. I do believe he loves me, though perhaps he isn't "sparking" the way he used to. I have read numerous relationship books recently and stuff he's said - it just is the way it happens in ALL relationships. If I'd not been so severely depressed in my marriage and was diagnosed and such, that might have worked and it was a LOT farther gone in many ways than this relationship. I don't expect perfection, and there is so much good in our relationship and it seems like it'd be so easy if he'd just open up to that just a tiny bit. I am not even asking for half way, just a little.

Anyway - thanks - I could go on longer, there is more to it (that is a good part of it, though!) . I am trying not to be clingy with him, and maybe the best thing would be to leave and let him see that I can be happy without him as well. I don't know.