|
No matter what I do or say, I feel conflicted, so I've been incredibly hesitant to talk. My mind is racing so fast that it stops me from being able to do anything else. I'm stifled & confused. I look like a mess, I haven't cleaned in days, I feel like I just came back from a war. Everything either sets me into panic, rage, or nihilistic hopelessness. For no reason whatsoever, I am at the brink of a deeper abyss of insanity than I have been privvy to as of yet. For long extents of time, I will just stare & my mind is empty, yet full of excitable pressure. Then I keep enivisioning harming myself in so many different ways. Razors, pills, blunt trauma, fire. Just enough to get noticed & then something will go horribly wrong & I will die. I have no feelings about this. I'm putting forth the last of my mental energy into resisting this, which leaves none left to commit to anything else. It's so ****ing awful because I don't care. At all. Even my own self-preservation has fallen into this horrible state. I'm not even having any hallucinations or delusions. Just this disaster that is the last of my controllable mind. What am I supposed to do?
|