Quote:
Originally Posted by Shayatanica
No matter what I do or say, I feel conflicted, so I've been incredibly hesitant to talk. My mind is racing so fast that it stops me from being able to do anything else. I'm stifled & confused. I look like a mess, I haven't cleaned in days, I feel like I just came back from a war. Everything either sets me into panic, rage, or nihilistic hopelessness. For no reason whatsoever, I am at the brink of a deeper abyss of insanity than I have been privvy to as of yet. For long extents of time, I will just stare & my mind is empty, yet full of excitable pressure. Then I keep enivisioning harming myself in so many different ways. Razors, pills, blunt trauma, fire. Just enough to get noticed & then something will go horribly wrong & I will die. I have no feelings about this. I'm putting forth the last of my mental energy into resisting this, which leaves none left to commit to anything else. It's so ****ing awful because I don't care. At all. Even my own self-preservation has fallen into this horrible state. I'm not even having any hallucinations or delusions. Just this disaster that is the last of my controllable mind. What am I supposed to do?
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As a nurse, I can't give you medical advice, but as a fellow bipolar, I
can urge you to go to your closest ER and tell the staff there what you've told us. I'm
very concerned that you are not safe on your own right now. Please don't wait, go tonight and let someone else shoulder this burden for a little while. Believe me, there are more people than you know who care about you and don't want you to hurt yourself, so if you can't do it for you, do it for them, OK?
And please let us know how you're doing!