I also understand how you feel I have been BPD for 21 years.I've had self-harm feelings come and go,I just went a year without anything in my life-then I fell backwards.I tried using a Twistie toy that you can take apart and you can also twist it anyway,it helped me to keep twisting it,I kept one in my purse so I always had it with me whenever I needed it.I hope you can find a way to BE SAFE.Also ripping up paper into tiny pieces has worked for me also.I also slipped about a week ago and this is also reminding me of the things I need to try and stay safe myself.I don't know if you have the problems with the "black and white thinking"with BPD I do,I also try and journal and then take it with me to see my T,she let's me know when the thoughts I have are "normal"or just seem normal to me.