Dear T,

I don't know how much longer I can do this - expose myself to the pain of longing and unmet needs. I told you that I hate feeling hurt, distressed, whatever, because I can't see what is on the other side of it. Or I can only assume that what is on the other side isn't good.

But more than that, I can't see what's on the other side of continually rehashing this shame, pain, fear, longing. In the rest of my life, I'm doing pretty well. But when I get to therapy, I fall apart, and then I'm left with this hangover that takes days to resolve.

Why am I doing this to myself?