I wasn't going to come back to PC tonight- I was planning on sorting out the chaos in the house but as I don't journal, I find a bit of relief being able to vent here. Even when I try to avoid the issues! I just can't see a way out of this fog. For the past week or so I have been mostly feeling really numb and living on 'auto-pilot', with a few epsiodes of bad feelings just to keep things...spicy! These are mostly during meetings or when there are ppl around who I DON'T want to see my emotions- I hide behind my mask as much as I can, to the point I sometimes wonder if my lack of energy is because I have used it all up staying behind that mask. I am getting kinda sick of ppl saying how well I look, and that I look so much better than I have for ages, and I seem to be doing so well when the only time I get outa my trackies is when I have to go out, and often even then I don't get outa them and I sure don't make an effort in any other way- I am NOT a make-up girl or anything... What these ppl don't realise (and for at least 1 of them, she is only a volunteer I see 1x a week when I take no1 to RDA so doesn't need to know) I am in the worst place I could be since the last time I hit rock bottom 1 1/2 years ago. It's been a very long time since the tears have flowed so easily (when I am on my own, but also around others if they...broach subjects which are too close to me). I can't believe how the most minor thing can send me into a crying mess. I do realise that there are some issues that I am kinda facing up to for the 1st time, or at least I am unable to bury them away for some reason, so that is not helping. And 1 of the hardest things of all is that I am missing my Nana more than I could possibly imagine. She passed away over 6 yrs ago, and I have always missed her but not to the point of thinking of her EVERY day and ending up crying every time I think of her. This hits me most when I am out on the porch in the dark, having a smoke. My mind goes straight to her and I feel so close to her, and I feel so guilty about all I have done, and I wish so much she was here, even if just to hold my hand...
I am sorry this was such a long post. But like I said, I don't journal- I don't trust anyone and am afraid of putting anything to paper in case someone finds it and reads it... real privacy issues here even when I am living on my lonesome (well, I'm guessing 22mth old can't read but still...) and I really needed to vent. Thanks