Quote:
Originally Posted by exhale_1978
I just stumbled onto this website by accident by typing "pushing people away"in google. I am not sure exactly how to explain myself but after posts for about 3 hours, I figured I would share my story. I am in my middle 30's, single and living a life completely paralyzed by this disorder. My friends have told me that once someone like a woman gets close to me I push them away. i look back over my life and I guess I do. I push everyone away to a certain extent and it is not becaue I hate them or anything it is just because I gets anxious when people who say they like me are around. I think that I am boring and cant make up my mind who I am, confused, angry and frustrated. I put up smoke and mirrors around others to make them think that I am everything going for me when I dont.
I am a very handsome guy, single. Many people have complemented me on my looks. Some people gravitate towards me like im a super star. maybe in my own mind. I feel like I am better than others and was raised that way. In a religious home told that because I was "saved" as a child that all will be well and that I am lucky that i did not get tainted by the world. I have always had this sense of myself that could not relate to common man, cant be silly, joke, make mistakes, get in trouble. I was always the teacher's pet, achingly and painly pleasing people to avoid dissaproval.
Now in my adult life i have isolated myself beside a few friends, I am terrifeied about making decisions, who to date, what career to choose. I have become completely paralyzed by fear and im not sure why. Self critical thoughts bash me daily. I just want to scream sometimes and go to hell. the place I spent all of my life trying to avoid.
this is just a rant i know, may not make sense. I am tired of not being comfortable in my own skin, feeling powerless in life to just show emotions, choose and be happy.
thats all.
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Thanks so much for sharing. I so can relate to what you are writing (although it's my mother and not my father, our religions are different but received similar messages and I don't consider myself to be in the least bit attractive. Inside or out. No matter what anyone says
) I can relate so much. I didn't even know there was a term for what I was doing.
Over the years, I have isolated myself quite a bit, am very hard on myself, avoid functions / events / crowds at all costs more and more as the years go by (i have developed a list of gracious regrets and excuses for all occasions) and feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin (mostly always).
I am so self-conscious (especially when I am out of my normal routine) that I can hardly bear it. I have thoughts that run through my mind in an endless loop until I am back in my comfort zone: I don't belong, am not good enough to be there, cannot possibly be seen in certain types of places because I am not supposed to be there, am being judged, etc. ... it's a daily battle and can be extremely difficult.
Especially more so now with the profession that I am in.
I keep myself in very tight quarters and feel extremely uncomfortable going outside my boundaries / limits. I avoid them in their entirety now. Unless I absolutely have to go, but I am light-headed and sick the entire time.
Things got especially bad after my former employer bought a brand new luxury car, took a long expensive family vacation (at the height of the recession), had a banner year, and then laid off our whole department. It was quite a blow to my self-esteem (a car is more important than a human being?)
Also, during that time, my best friend and fiance passed away (cancer). And my mother (very judgmental, manipulative, controlling and harsh) was riding me tremendously.
I really just shut down at that point. And went downhill from there. My fiance and I were together for 8 years, so my whole world crumbled.
I am working really hard on all of it now with my T: The low-to-no self-esteem, avoiding almost all social situations, isolating myself, panic attacks, severe anxiety, triggers of PTSD, depression, poor sleep...
I have a teeny little bit of hope though that things will get better...and that keeps me going. As does this site, along with my P&T.