Yes you are right about that but I am socially deficient and I do not know how to accept being accepted and loved. I subconsciencely turn people away from me to prove that I am not worthy of being loved. I've been taught that I am not worthy of love and I believed them but even though I know logically it is not right-I don't know how to undo their training.
I wish I could learn to really love myself but those negative voices echo my life's experiences and I'm convinced that I am not worthy of being loved. I am so sure of it I have, for the most part, isolated myself from the world to prevent it from having to be proven to me yet again.
If I cannot accept love from others then how am I supposed to learn how to love myself? Don't we learn as we are taught? Who's going to reteach me if I don't let anybody come near me because I don't trust them?
It's all so complicated.
I feel like the only way I can prove I am worthy of being loved is to prove them wrong by being just as worthy as them but I can't get my leg up on it because I lost 10-15 years of my life to this stupid depression and I can't catch up and I'm running out of breath trying.
I want to punish them by being able to sit side by side with them but they just won't let me. I have a place set out for me and it's at the bottom of their feet. It's been taught to me it's where I belong and I try to rebel against it but I feel like I'm running around in circles.
They don't come right out and say it but I can feel it in their actions that they are most comfortable with me in that position and will do as needed to keep me there.
I am so frustrated. It doesn't help that I'm the youngest in the family and it doesn't help that I'm the only one who's gone and gotten therapy for our childhood experiences. It's seen as a put down to me that I've been to counseling, been to a psych hospital and have been on meds. I feel like I'll never get past the stigma of it. They look down on me because of it and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I was only trying to ask for help-does that mean I'm crazy or deserve to be looked down upon? No-and I KNOW that but they (and society) have somehow convinced me otherwise and I've surrendered to it. I am a piece of crap because I am not only not worthy of love but I'm also mentally ill and I am weird and a loner so therefore I am a reject of society and belong in the trash pit of the earth. And they won because that's exactly where I am. Kudos for me!