((((skyscraper)))) There is no ifs or ands about it. Social anxiety has a strangle hold on you. If your therapist is still mulling this over . . . trying to decide, well - maybe your therapist needs to WAKE UP AND PAY ATTENTION. I hate it when people get paid to occupy a chair and there is no accountability to demonstrate in a measurable way that they are assisting you to improve. Still, I been there and done that. It seems so nice when you have fear of rejection to have someone in front of you who you don't have a big fear of rejection from. That DOES NOT mean the process is doing you one dang bit of good. Only thing that helped me was partial hospitalization cause I was forced to interact with others.

I had the option of coming home for lunch in grammar school. I took that option so it also got me out of recess. In high school, I spent lunch time in the girls' room fixing and refixing my hair and makeup. Now and then, I would go into a stall, so my presence at the mirror would seem so constant. But I have an ornery streak. One day, after a year of this, I was just so dang hungry, I said to myself, "I'm getting something to eat no matter what it costs my pride." Got my tray of food and sat at an empty table. Oh, did that lunch taste good. I think I read a magazine while eating. I did that for weeks, till a nice girl in my English class came and gave me a formal invitation to join her table. She kept doing that every day. One day she said, "Don't make me come and get you all the time. You know where we eat, so just come on over." She was a rare person, and I trusted her, and I do hope life has been very good to her. She became my first high school friend. And it wasn't out of pity. I found out she really liked me. She was a cheerleader, so you can't pre-judge people. Now tears come to my eyes. Not sure why.

Unlike you, I was the belle of the ball in my on home around my own family. When you mentioned becoming fearful in you own home, I suspected that something else was different. I suspected that you had gotten some harsh treatment from a family member. (That really wasn't my problem.) Then you mentioned that your Mom rejects you. I thought - so there we have it, or a good part of it. Recovering from parental rejection is a whole lot harder, I would think, than getting a grip on uncomplicated social anxiety. (Not that it is ever uncomplicated.)

I won't pretend to have all the answers, but I have an abusive sibling. Based on trying all different thinks on that front, I would make this recommendation. You are going to have to put up a wall between you and your Mom. That's unconventional advice, I know. I stand by it. All the therapy in the world - even if your Mom would go, which she won't - is going to change nothing. If you can still love her - that's fine. Your wall can have some windows in it. You can watch her through the windows. Let her have a peak at you, now and then. Say "Good Morning" and "Good Night" warmly to her if that seems to work okay.

By a "wall," I mean don't let her engage you on her terms. Since you are still young, that is going to be hard - for you, maybe impossible. I take it you still live with her. I had to do that with my father, from about age 16, and I did love my father. But he was a domineering control-freak. I was a very well-behaved kid, but just ornery enough that I wasn't going to be controled, beyond reasonable. I obeyed and respected my father. But I kept kind of aloof. I kept my distance. If he wanted to chat with me, and he did because he actually liked me, he had to watch what he said. If not, I'ld let that conversation become real one-sided, real soon.

Your ability to refrain from talking, which, like me, your probably real good at, can become a secret weapon - your strength. Learn to simply not comment on something that is said to you that is not said in good will. Learn that you don't have to defend your decisions to anyone, unless you end up in court. It might not be wise to share things with Mom, if she tends to screen what you say, looking for something she can find fault with. Stay with safe subjects - like the weather. And don't be overly inviting to let her use you as her captive confidant.

The library is not the worst place in the world to spend your time. It was my second home. I came to be a lover of libraries. Spend your time there well.

I think you're more brave than you know. And less strange than you might think - all humans hate to be rejected.