I'm in that cycle again, T. The one where I feel triggered during a session, feel like I will never work my way through all of this ick. Feel like you don't really care as you sit there, at a distance, staring at my coolly. Of course you're not, really, but that's what it feels like. You feel so far away. You give me so much, but it never feels like enough. I feel like such an ingrate.

And then my mind leapfrogs to suicide and now, SI, for the first time in a long, long time. I thought very hard about breaking my wrist this weekend, T. Got the hammer out, but couldn't actually do anything with it. And then I got angry with myself because I felt like too much of an effing coward to do anything.

And then I want to run, fast, and far away from you and this whole process that feels sometimes like it's making me crazier than I was in the beginning. If I didn't care about you caring about me, I feel like I'd be in a much better place.

I'm supposed to see you on Wednesday. I am SO torn about keeping that appointment. You're going away the following week, so I won't see you for two weeks anyway. Maybe it's just easier to cut ties and get myself out of this ridiculous, obsessive head space.

But deep down, I know I can't leave. This is such a mind****.