I'd been sailing along so well, and then BOOM.

I see a hematologist Wed. morning for the first time since early April. I'm trying not to freak out about it, but it's not working well so far. I feel OK, I look OK, and there's no reason to believe I'm anything but healthy, but after spending 5 weeks in the hospital this past winter, most of them near death, my greatest fear has become the prospect of going back.

I haven't been able to sleep all night. I seem to have discovered this neat little trick where right when I'm about to doze off, I jerk awake so violently that I end up off the bed. My brain won't shut off. It's hard to find anything really distracting to do in the middle of the night. Not to mention that I can't do any of the things I used to do to distract myself, because I now live with other people and have to worry about waking them up. When I had one of those jerking-awake attacks earlier, my eyes flew open and I didn't quite know where I was for a minute. Then I thought to myself, "this isn't my room." A bunch of my stuff is in it, but I'm still living in somebody else's house. It's been a more difficult adjustment than I anticipated.

I dunno. I know all the tips and tricks for banishing anxiety, and they sound so rational when you aren't in the throes of an anxiety attack, but right now they just all sound useless. I guess I will go pop a Xanax and see if it will relax me enough to crash out for a bit. Thanks for letting me vent.

Candy