*Triggering*
Self-hate has been an issue of mine for a long time. What started it all was an extreme form of perfectionism that I was introduced to as a child. As a child I used to be beaten and sexually humiliated whenever I made a mistake or didn’t achieve perfection. I was beaten with belts, backhanded when I made a mistake, threatened, and assortment of other abuse. The school system abused me as well. I was removed from classes because I was abused by teachers, and the report cards I received labelled me “retarded” and “unlikely to succeed in life.” A large portion of my life was spent in dark, bloody, abusive times due to not being perfect. When I was 13 years old I began self-harming as a form of self-punishment for making mistakes. As I type this I have 16 stitches in my right arm.
Dealing with this obsessive need for perfection has been what I am working on with a counselor. As I am able to relax this perfectionism, I am able to better deal with self-hatred.
I believe my perfectionism creates my self-hatred which in turn creates my emotional issues.I’m being taught how to accept myself with an incredibly supportive best friend even if she lives a long distance away.
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