I try to not judge myself too harshly on what goes on in my head..."You are not your thoughts" is a phrase a therapist told me, and at the time I was totally confused: uh, what are we if not our thoughts? And it's an idea I still struggle with...but I've thought of it like: we are defined by our actions. Thoughts are not actions. We have the choice to not act on our harmful or unhealthy thoughts and those choices are what make us who we are.
. I have a sexual obsession with identifying as a young girl and being sexually initiated by a much older man, perhaps an uncle or father's friend, or multiple men. I have to visualize this "abuse" scenario in order to orgasm...and I am deeply ashamed of this...have never told a soul about it before now in fact...I am ashamed because this is a scenario many girls actually experience against their will, or before "will" is even a factor...and it can destroy them...and I get off on imagining myself in that scenario...yuck
But, these are thoughts I have. Child pornography is something I will NEVER pursue...I will never put or allow any daughter I have in an environment where this scenario might take place...and heck, I won't even ask my husband to role play as an abuser for " fun" because that would be an f'ed up role to put him in. I can only recognize that my fantasies are problematic, and work towards a healthier route to arousal and stimulation.
All that being said...at least here in California, USA, having a thing for older women is totally ok and even wanting to be mothered in a sexual role play is, in my mind, a healthy and exciting variation. I'd say find yourself an open-minded older lady and go for it! I married myself a man 12 yrs older...who makes me hot without a trace of an abuser personality