Are you just now starting to talk about this? (Even just online) I ask because I recently started too, and things have been excruciating and raw lately. It gets a little better after a little while, but you're not going to get much relief until you talk to a professional. If you want to disclose what happened to your mom, then the therapist can help you. THEY WILL NOT THINK BAD ABOUT YOU.

You know what he did was the same as being an adult abusing a child. He used his power over you and hurt you. If you heard about a little girl who got abused by a grown up, you wouldn't think they were dirty. You were abused, and their shame is their's not yours.

Your story is a lot like mine. And I'm afraid of the dark too. You're not alone. Good luck, be nice to yourself, you didn't deserve anything that happened.