Thank you guys for the understanding. I hated yesterday.

It dawned on me late yesterday that it was my ex-abuser's birthday. UGGG!!!!
I had forgotten the date consciously (even though we were "together" for 10 yrs after I was an adult) - the CSA started when I was 11yrs old and she was 23yrs old.
It is amazing how the subconscious responds to things like that.

I went right into the self destruction mode and didn't even realize why!
Oh well, today is another day.