I was listening to the radio this morning, and the guys were discussing relationship no-no's, and one of the big ones was NOT using someone as a pawn (so cruel). I thought "that is the most awful thing. How could someone do that to someone else"?

"Because the pawn is the weakest piece, it is often used metaphorically to indicate unimportance or outright disposability, for example, 'S/he's only a pawn in their game.' "

And then it occurred to me that in my last 2 big (long-term) relationships, I truly believe that I may have been used as a pawn (so they could "get back" at their ex's)

I was head over heels in love, too. Engaged even! But I don't think they ever had any real intention of marrying me.

I think they were both just using me for their own selfish purpose, and that I was totally disposable to them (which makes sense because I have FELT disposable since I was little...so why not attract guys who use women?)

I think I put myself in the position to be a pawn because I didn't feel good enough about myself, and they put me in the position because I was an easy target (not necessarily purposefully. I don't want to sound paranoid or make them out to be completely and totally EVIL (sociopathic) people...but who knows really).

I am not happy.

I am not going to make that mistake again.

(I am actually mad at myself right now for wasting 13 years of my life and for being soooo stupid!)