Heheh.

thankyou all. i feel better

i spoke with my pychiatrist about 3 weeks ago and she has written me a letter stating that a need a 1 bedroom flat asap.

but the problem is i can't leave.
i'm clinging on to the remnants of my wacky childhood.

nothing has ever been good unless it's had my dads approval.
at 7 years old, i consciously made a decision that my dad was so much better than me;
that i had to hide my personality away.
and could only project his.
i remember going for weeks without using my vocal chords.
because i "had" nothing to say and i'd told all of my dads stories to date.
i could only tell his stories, his ways of doing things e.t.c
as i viewed mine as completely tasteless... and i would be hated, ridiculed for ever telling them.

problem is i'm so attached.
the thought alone of telling him "this isn't working out" brings me to complete despair and unhappiness.
the last time i tried to leave he was on the phone crying; telling me to come home... - {talk about emotional blackmail}... although we left on bad terms.

and the worst bit is ... despite how bloody awful my life is frequently..
i have become numb./accustomed? to it.
infact it doesn't really phase me. it feels familiar.
but the thought of upsetting my dad. or striking out under my own guidance terrifies and emotionally haunts me.

he's been steadily taking me down. causing so much doubt in my mind about myself since i was seven {earliest i'm aware of -_-}
and all the while boasting his 'awesomeness'
the transmorphis feels complete
i have adopted my 'dad' as myself.
and he has taken everything about me deemed desirable.. or desirable to others for himself.

and i've been contemplating the idea for the last few months that i have
now become a narcissist.
and this really brings me down.
as i see it as a complete circle of hopeless.
I don't want to treat people the way my dad does when i get older.
he got worse with age... thats for sure.
i've seen the word Toxic used alot to describe narcissists.
and i don't want to be toxic. i'd see that as a waste of time, as i would never be better.... just better able to inflict pain on others.


BX
Man gotta sort this **** out



Edit: i know i haven't told much about him. but trust me he's quite high up the malignancy scale.
he's very sadistic.. seems to have no boundaries; bar physical assault, as he's way to cunning to do something so easily picked up on as beat me up. As how would he explain to everyone that it was my fault? that i'm violent, aggressive and mentally unsound; and make them feel sorry for him.... .. .

The eyes. thats where there is something seriously wrong. you look into their eyes... nothing. empty cruelness is all you behold. until they have an agenda..: then it's greed, power tripping, goal based glint{in eye}.
and then usually followed by anger. furious righteous anger, all just for you.