trigger for SI and for being very long I'm sorry
OMG
OMG
OMG. the things that went through my head as i sat in that chair.it felt so wrong.first she had it pushed way away from her almost like it was in the corner.i felt she didn't want me any-wear near her and wanted me in the corner.
i don't know why.that set me off and i just felt horrible.
she asked me what i have been up to the past two weeks but i couldn't answer i swear i was beating myself up trying to figure out what i did to be shoved in the corner.again after a long silence i think she asked if i herd her and i said i was just hanging out.she asked if i was happy and i kind of shrugged.she said NO your not are you?i shrugged again,she asked what i need to be doing to be happy? i got so instantly angry at me.she seemed so angry at me. i felt in the corner and that she was mad i was not going out and happy.so many horrible thoughts were running through my head i just ran and hid in my thoughts.she asked if i herd her again and said something about me opening my mouth and what was that about she asked again what was going through my head.i found my words some and blurted out what went through my head at that moment.my words were " just sarcastic horrible things that i don't feel need to be said at all ,i cant see why" i think i shocked her.she just looked at me and said all that
.i was so angry i blurted out exactly what was going through my head so she could see it was nothing of any consequence.
i told her that when she asked what i needed to be doing to make myself happy that my thoughts took over and screamed...my words were..."you need to stop being a miserable,horrible,reached,disgusting ,spoiled brat,that makes everything about her all the time.then maybe i would be happy"she said WOW
.i truly completely detached after that so i am trying to remember everything she said because it was confusing.no way i was saying any more
she listed the reasons i needed to say what was going on in my head i need to remember some
1.now i am not alone.
2. she knows what i am thinking
3.i am no longer giving that thought strength by keeping it in my head because now it is shared with her and we are 2
there may have been more but i don't remember at all
she then said that it seems to come from the part of me that is so so angry.god i wish i could remember all of what she said but i was doing everything i could to stay grounded.she said that she finds it interesting that i turn all this in on myself and i don't deserve it.i guess i was making horrible faces because at one point she said WOW
you really hate that person and you don't believe a word I'm saying.do you?
i just shrugged again.
OMG OMG OMG then she asked if i am still cutting myself and my world just crashed into a million self loathing little pieces
.i never thought she would ever ask me that.i was devastated and didn't believe she asked me that.waves of terror ripped through every part of my body .i was scared.i just asked WHAT?and she sat back in her chair and repeated the question DO YOU STILL CUT YOURSELF?.the shame was awful.and i whispered sometimes
.i was so waiting for her to say if I'm doing that i can't work with you.or wanting to put me in the hospital,or being repulsed by me.or be angry.any one of the million fears that were able to run through my head in the minute it took her to respond.
she said that is all the self hate that you turn in on yourself ,and the anger...I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE IS TALKING TO ME ABOUT THIS i want to hide so bad i want to crawl under her rug and die.she said something about being so angry at that part that i need to hurt myself and possibly wish that that part would die
i cant believe she is speaking my words.i want her to stop .do T speak your words EVER.is she suppose to do this.isn't it a boundary thing.was she wrong to do this.she was so right in what was going on inside me though. how did she know i was SIing.is she reading here??she kept talking and i so wanted her to stop what she was saying hurt i don't remember much more about what she said but i know she was talking but i wanted her to stop.
she then asked me if i knew how to stop all this?? i looked at her for probably the second time and asked how>she then smiled and said what would it be like for you if i said it was 5:45 and we needed to stop for today
kind of strange but i said it would be OK.she said no it would be mean and then she said the way to stop these thoughts is with compassion and she said we can talk about that next week and asked if i was going to come back and i said i guess so,got up and ran out of the office.she said something but i didn't hear her.
my fears
i don't want her to know i SI i never did WHY did i say yes
she has to be disgusted by me
she will say i can't see her anymore next week
she will want me to talk about it
i am going to freak out all week,nightmares and all that
she will hate me for sure now
i believe i only managed about 3 sentences but so much was said and I'm terrified