oh granite! i have so much to digest from this thread, that i probably will keep coming back and responding to things

#1: You did AWESOME. I know you didn't want your T to know about the SI, but granite the reason you said yes was that tiny part of you that desperately, desperately wants T's help in making you heal. I am SO glad that part came out.

#2: The first thing I thought of when you said the chair was pushed away from you, how you felt ashamed and disgusting sitting in the corner. One thing I've noticed about your artwork is that the girl is always curled up in a corner. These two things must be related.

#3: I highly doubt your T is going to change her mind and decide to kick you out next session. She even checked with you to make sure you WERE coming back. Same with the SI stuff, no one can make you stop. She may have a different way of dealing with it than you like...but she can't make you stop it, nor do I think she would use that as an ultimatum.

#4: Your T is awesome. I am really glad you wrote this stuff down so you can re-read it later. Someone said that your T pays close attention to you, and I believe it. No, she didn't cross any boundaries by guessing what was going on in your head--she knows some about your past, and sees your verbal and mostly non-verbal behaviors in therapy. How does it feel to see somebody truly understand and accept your "ugly" thoughts? She didn't get mad when you revealed some of them. She saw what we all see, the amount of hatred you have for yourself. It is sad, but not something that your T will be angry about at you. FOR you maybe, but not at you.

you keep on doing such great work. i am so proud!