TRIGGER WARNING FOR CSA...







Dear T,

I told you that my anxiety was higher than it had been on the day of our appointment, but I didn't tell you why. I went in there with a clear agenda, a couple of things that I needed to say. I said everything, but one. I came close to it.. Dancing around the subject, but could not actually spit the words out. It actually would have been the best time to bring it up as we were talking about the shame that I carry around with me. I was admitting to the fact that I carry shame and guilt about things that happend almost 17 years ago, stuff the happened in middle school, stuff that happend 3 years ago, talking about how I just can't let it all go. You asked me what I could have possibly done at 10 or 11yrs old that I would still feel shamed about now? You gave me an oppurtunity to speak up, but instead I just said I don't want to talk about it right now. You, pressed the issue again and I was still stubborn...

The truth is, I want to tell you.. however, when I think about blurting those words out in front of you.. I just can't. I have written it down, but even then the thoughts, the words behind the story are too personal just to hand over to you and let you read. The truth is, that when I was 10 or 11 I let two boys about 5 years older than me, do stuff to me. Stuff that no 10 year old should be doing. The shame I feel about that day has haunted me since that day. It has effected how I reacted to every single male that has ever been in my life. The only person that knows is my husband. The fact that I kept it in for so long makes me feel even worse, like nobody will ever believe me b/c it happened so long ago. That because I never said the word "no" to those two teenagers that I was willing partcipant in the action and have no right to let it effect me, or cry abuse.

I am pretty sure this event effects me even today, the distrust I have for men, the fact that I can never let go of control in my own life, or even though I can't let go of control, I still doubt myself, see myself as not a good person, etc. This is all stuff that we have been talking about recently and I know if I just let you in on the peice of the puzzle it might all come together. I just don't know how to do it. I think about it, and then presented with the perfect time to spill my guts.. I retreat.

I am also afraid that if I tell you, you will think that you can't treat me anymore.. That for some reason, you will not feel comfortable talking to me about it... Like, I am beyond the scope of your help. I doubt that is true.. but I fear that this one event will change your view of me. And more than anything I need right now, it is to not be abandoned.

Please help,
Healed.