(trigger -- SI mentioned)

Ugh. I don't think this will go well. And if you've been following along this is just another aspect of the same thing.

I've been working on having feelings without judging them -- just having them and accepting them and then trying to ferret out where they are coming from.

I know a lot of people here have fantastic Ts -- I think mine is pretty awesome in many ways. I know a lot have cruddy Ts -- or Ts that could do better.

But I have to admit I want one of those Ts that will recognize when you are in crisis and act appropriately. One that will let me be dependent for a while when things are overwhelming. One who doesn't assume I can handle "it" because, after all, I'm smart and I've lived THIS long.

Here are two questions I wrote out (among others) to ask T tomorrow:

1. What seems like an emergency or hitting bottom to me – what do you want me to do? Call? Not call? Email? Not email? Where do I go for help in the acute moments, knowing that they will be dissipating as therapy continues.

AND

2. What do you want me to do with the urges to self harm? It’s nice that we both know the reasons behind it (defense mechanism to avoid painful crap, release, etc), but what do we now do with that? What about when I can’t cut or restrict eating or exercise until my legs buckle? What do I do then?

And although these will be good questions to have answered, I find myself resentful that it will take up so much time when there is so much to work on and say. I'm in the middle of those early-in-therapy-floodgates-of-crap still and I need more. I have to come up with some other coping mechanisms. Each day feels like a week unless I'm exercising -- but you k now I can't do that 8+ hours a day.