j, it all comes out in the wash!!! what's happening is you are changing. the longer you stay clean and sober the more comfortable you will get in your new "skin". as for expressing yourself i think you have a lot of skills you just don't see. i love to converse with you. hold onto your reins. you are for the best ride of your life! 
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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