Quote:
Originally Posted by likelife
Thanks, Dreamy. It does seem that you and I have a lot in common with regard to our Ts.
What helped you to grow with your last T who wasn't particularly motherly? I wouldn't necessarily call my T motherly, though she's not cold either.
I'm so glad your current T is willing (and able) to work with you around the desperation. That's exactly the word I use all the time to describe my experience. And yes, you're exactly right that even though there are two of us in this, I feel completely alone with that. Part of that is my nature, I think, to feel as if I'm alone in any endeavor I undertake. But I think part of it is also my T, who seems very careful to emphasize that staying vs. leaving is entirely my decision. Which, obviously, it is, but I'd still think that she'd have some input or ideas. Yesterday when I talked with her about it, she essentially said that yes, I'd be fine if I stopped therapy (which was something I had initially brought up), and that I have a choice about whether I want to continue along the path I've been taking (e.g., toward self-acceptance).
I don't think I've ever fully grieved what I was unable to receive as a child either. And maybe I'm just moving through the grief of knowing that I can't receive it from my T, as much as I might want to. But damn, it just hurts.
I really appreciate your post, and your support.
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Glad I could help.
I've often pondered over my relationship with former t. She helped me a great deal because she got me out of the stuck, shut down place I was in when I started seeing her. She helped me value myself and my creativity and basically gain self worth. She loved my intellectual side and encouraged me to go forward in life and trust in myself. She liked me a lot and as adults we had a deep connection. We would have been great friends in different circumstances. In many important ways, she was a fab T.
But she didn't go into the past. She didn't emphasise our relationship other than the fact we were 'two adults' together. Transference didn't exist for her. There were plenty of times when I reacted as a child and this was not heard or understood. I wanted to process my need for a mother and she wasn't comfortable with this. She avoided all emotional connections to my childhood and also to my need for her to comfort me. It wasn't my paranoia because she actually told me that she didn't feel happy with exploring the past and wanted to concentrate on moving me on and living in the present.
I sometimes wonder if I'm 'going backwards' by seeing current t but then to be honest I reacted so strongly during my first meeting with her that I think something inside must still need and desire that unconditional love and support. If I can't HAVE it per sae, I want to explore it with a T who accepts my need and helps me to process it and eventually move on from it or live with it. Easier in theory perhaps. Also, I think current T does give me a lot of what I crave in terms of boundaries, gentle containment, and acceptance. I hope that having those experiences and being able to talk to T about my need for a mother will finally allow me to stop seeking one and live the life that former T and I talked about so much.
Although I'm sure your T is trying to be supportive by leaving the decision to you, she comes across as rather distant to me. I'm guessing that is how she feels for you too at least over this. It is one thing to know the decision lies with you but it is also important to feel T is invested in your relationship and wants to work together with you. It has meant so much to me to know that my T will help me work through my intense emotions because I don't feel alone. As you say, it is hard to reach out and it is a two way thing, so perhaps by sharing your post and thoughts your T can meet you halfway. The grief hurts but you don't have to move through it alone. I do think that it's part of the work in therapy to process what can never be.
Take care
