Thanks for replying. I think this thread will likely be repetitive as I am feeling quite alone despite support via phone from my parents. (I'm sorry scary mind your parents have not been supportive of you, that must hurt a lot). My emotions are being very over the top, perhaps I am tired? All I know is that I am crying yet again tonight. I do not want to be crude or triggering to anyone but my mind is whirling over and over. I want to cut on my arm as I usually do but since I am holding babies that may hurt...and I wouldn't want to somehow pass any of my awfulness to them....if I cut my leg it may work but if it doesn't it'll be pointless. I am so sorry about how graphic this post is. I'd rather not cut at all, but I am rly very much struggling. I dont know what is wrong with me and causing this horrific feeling of pain. I'm unsure if it is random grief or just plain stress. I hate hate not being able to control my emotions, I get so embarrassed by them being so big for no reason. Sorry for another completely pointless post, I appreciate your support. I'm sorry for this.