For me those feelings were always there. Before therapy I would take "hostages" any woman at work that showed the smallest sign of being caring that was it. I would find a way to insert a "poor me" story, would purposely make sure I was where they was. That was painful because I couldn't talk about it, couldn't understand it. The pain of not getting those deep needs reciperated or contained made me want to drink and drug where I could dream about dying and all my "hostages" being at my graveside. That was my life before therapy. Yes in therapy its painful but at least I can say what's going on and get it understood. You know being understood is priceless, but when I'm in one of my deep transference which can go on for weeks, it feels useless, but that because how it felt growing up, it felt useless to want to be cared about or understood because it never haPpened. Its that never happening that is such a big part of my expereince that it seems like it will always be so. But whhen I come out of thise horrible transferences, I see I have come a step forward.