Wow Sannah has a point here. And it made me stop and think back myself and " ALL" MY ABUSERS DID THAT WITH ME.

For me, what that did is it evolved into me somehow struggling with allowing myself to "reward and be happy" for myself. And there is part of me that truely knows what it feels like to struggle with self worth somehow and not seem to be able to know HOW to feel comfortable when I feel happy. And abusers teach their victims that the ONLY time they should feel happy and safe is WHEN THEY ARE SERVICING somehow.

And that can become part of every victims core that they struggle with constantly. I honestly have that problem myself and it is hard to fix it. It can be very hard when we grow up in a situation where there is some kind of struggle with the people we need to trust to teach us how to value ourselves and feel happy. And somehow it becomes what WE KNOW how to do and often we CAN make bad choices about who we interact with, friends, spouces etc. because we can unknowingly choose to be around other people that CAN be abusive as well.

Wow, Sannah, this really hit home with me big time. I have been really struggling with my feelings about my older sister and she has done and said some things that have hurt and confused me to my core.

There is all kinds of abuse and we can fall into somehow learning that we have to follow SOMEONE WHO INSISTS ON CONTROL and our only safty lies within PLEASING THEM. And it can be such a silent thing and yet what it really does is when it DOES come time to stand up for ourselves, we can honestly struggle. This for me goes all the way back. And when we are little, so very little, we are programed to please somehow. And in that we are so dependant that we can unknowingly be taught the wrong way to please. And even be taught that if we try to do the next step in pleasing ourselves, if we are punished for our individuality? We struggle every time we make efforts to be an individual. And in that mix is what you are expressing
suzzie.

I serviced my sister very well. But she never liked my freedom or what I did that I harbored my happiness in. And when I suffered a big blow to that it was her time to get BACK THE CONTROL. I went to the psychward and I was really bad and I was basically in shock to be honest. My sister met with the staff and planted a seed that I am still struggling with now. She told them I was a narcissist and THEY BELIEVED HER. I can see it in my records and instead of getting what I truely needed, they punished me thinking they were dealing with someone who was somehow acting or something. How awful and I had no idea because I was so bad. And that one word put down in writing was going to punish me over and over and set a course of treatment that was so wrong for me. And my sister didn't stop there either. She poisened everyone and they all were so mean to me which made my brain cringe and make me feel like I was a complete failure and I was seriously considering some very dangerous thoughts. Some abusers are so unbelievable in their need for CONTROL.

I hope that you work on this in therapy. I will be honest with you, I am slowly working on it myself and it IS a struggle. And even though I have been told by therapists I am defintely not that terrible word, I am still just so hurt by it. But abusers don't always realize what is wrong with them either and they can be so incredibly convincing when they want to get into a control position. They can sure become so incredibly skilled and really think they have all the answers and will be able to know how to twist things in their favor by doing their best to portray their victim as the one who is in the wrong. They often know what people tend to believe and mistrust about others and they work it like professionals.

"NOT YOUR FAULT" give yourself permission to LEARN how to work your way through this.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes