******TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF SEX/SEXUALITY/ALTERNATIVE SEXUAL PRACTICES ALONGSIDE CSA/OTHER ABUSE********




So, recently I've been seeing things in a few other threads here that remind me of something I think about from time to time, and I wonder if anyone else has similar thoughts...

I've mentioned before that I have a history of CSA, and also some issues w/ having a mom who sort of neglected or abandoned me emotionally. (I'm not sure how to describe it, but I think that's close.) Like a lot of other folks here, I really have a strong desire to have some sort of maternal figure in my life, and my partner and/or my T are generally the focus of that fixation. (I'm also really terrified of those needs or desires or whatever, so I spend a lot of time distancing myself from my feelings and from them.) Anyway...

Quite some time ago I stumbled on the idea of "ageplay," which is a sort of role playing associated with the B&D (bondage and domination) community. I dont' really know much about any it, but it seems a little different than what folks might commonly think of as B&D or S&M practices. The basic idea is that one person takes on the role of someone older and the other takes on the role of someone younger, lots of times a child or even infant. (There are a variety of roles...mother and son, babysitter and baby, and on and on.) For some people ageplay is overtly sexual, and sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with sex and looks more like what we might think of as reparenting. I want to stress that it's always something done among consenting adults who choose to take on these other roles (either briefly or in a more 24/7 setting). It never, ever has anything to do with actual children.

There was a time in my life where I tried to persuade my partner to try it out. I think she didn't really understand what it was about, and she wanted no part of it. I understood and respected that, though, again, I really don't think she understood what I did/didn't mean by "age play." I think to normalize it (ha!) I would have tried to make it a sexual activity. But in reality, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have wanted it to be sexual at all. I think it was just another way of me looking for someone to be a mom to me on some level. Either way, it's probably good that she refused.

To get to the point...a lot of us here talk about wanting our Ts to be our moms, and I'm no different. Some of us have relationships where something like that happens on some limited basis. (I'm thinking of Improving's recent tampon thread, which I LOVE!) Alternatively, some of us have Ts we see as cold and not at all maternal. (I fall into the later category. When I started T this time around, I told her that I was there to try to work through all the mother junk. In retrospect, I was as much there to try and find another mom as I was to work throught he damage caused by my actual mom. For now, T won't budge and be my mom, and I won't budge and mourn the fact that my actual mom wouldn't either.) Anyway, I'm sure our Ts have their reasons, which are presumably about doing what's best for us, wherever they fall on the maternal/not maternal scale with us.

Alongside all the "I want a Mom" threads I've seen here, I'm also thinking about the "Welcome to the Couch" thread. I've only read it a few times, and it's a fun little thread that strikes me as very playful. While I don't think folks are necessarily acting "young," there's something in the way folks are interacting in there that, to me, sort of feels a little young and playful and care-taking in a way that could be described as "maternal," either towards ourselves or toward others. In ageplay communities, there's a lot of that sort of play, though the content of the play is much younger.

So, to finally pose a question, what do y'all think about how we can/should best take care of our "younger" needs? Is it ever OK for our Ts to do it, and if so, when? Is it fair or reasonable to expect them to? Or is the point always to discuss and mourn what's missing, and never to try to reexperience what we've missed?

And is there something inherently right or wrong about acting young in a given context? (I'm not talking about DID here...that seems something completely different, identity-wise, than what I mean...maybe a matter of "acting" vs. "being," but I don't know that I understand well enough to say.) And finally, what seems OK and what doesn't? Does ageplay with sex thrown in go to far? Is nonsexual ageplay OK? If we don't call it ageplay, is that OK? Is it fine to buy yourself a box of crayons and a teddy bear when you're a grown adult?

I know...another long post. Thanks for getting to the end if you did!