I've always been spiritual, even before I knew what it meant. Had meetings with Jesus since age 3, believed an angel watched me fall asleep till I was 12...
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That being said, I was hugely dissapointed in myself when at age 15 when I gave my life to Christ and then backsliding and recomitting 10yrs later I realized that I couldn't submit to God's will. Even today, I cannot fathom submission, and lastnight I discovered why...
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I was 9 when my 18y.o brother molested me, I won't go into detail,bcoz frankly I don't care to. I don't know how long it went on, the memories are thankfully repressed, I do know that he thought I was asleep. I remember waking up, telling myself not to panic, not to scream coz he'd get into trouble and my family would be turned upside down. I made a point of sleeping in pj's instead of a nightgown hoping it would be 2 much trouble for him, I'm not sure it worked. 1 night I had a lightbulb moment in getting out of the situation without hurting anybody. I pretended to wake up, then he ran away, Idk how many times I had to pretend. All I do know is, being 9y.o was erased from my memory bank. Idk who my teacher was that yr, my bff, what I did for my bday, and these are things I can recall for every other yr.
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The 1st time I remembered the abuse I was 18, by then my brother and I had what you could call a normal relationship, he was saved, encouraged me to attend church with him, so I chalked his past behaviour up to the fact that he was actively involved in satanism in that time, bcoz I HAD to move past this, for me, for everyone. I prayed and prayed and God allowed me to forgive him. He lives overseas now and I don't see him often, but I do my best to have a relationship with him. Why? I honestly don't know. Maybe I don't see the point in tearing my family apart after all we've had to endure recently( my eldest brother murdered my dad died soon after).
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Anyway, I can't submit to God's will, it makes me feel trapped, I get panicked and end up defying Him. I always ask 'but why doesn't what I want matter?" and no amount of mentoring has ever made submission ok in my mind, not even to God. And the truth is, I can't ever submit to anybody else's will. Bcoz my 1st memory of submission was me keeping quiet, to spare everybody, including my abuser.
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It hurts, to know that he is the reason I can never obey God completely, it's always on my terms, and where's the Christianity in that? It's like I can only go so far, not a step further...
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Anyhoo, just wanted to put that out there, it's not like I can actually tell someone irl.
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If you read all of that, thank you, it's appreciated.XOXO