Thank you all for your support & kind words. I got to a point where I just needed a short break......& short is all I can allow myself. It is so difficult trying to deal with the trauma I went through. My psychologist is working with me quite a bit......we went for 1 1/2 hours on my sunday session. I end up in tears every week trying to deal with the feelings my mother left me with towards her. It is hard to realize how much bad feelings I have toward my mother, & end up feeling guilty about how strongly those feelings still are. It had been hard to realize that I really hate her for what happened & feel that it was her fault because the consequences of her choices caused me to end up going through the ID theft & the trauma of being accused of abusing her with the police. When I am at her home cleaning it out or even when I am laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I keep getting the flashbacks of catching the RN on the phone trying to get a credit card as my Mother & then the phone line being cut....the fear I had of being in the home alone with her & not knowing what she would do next & then watching my mother after she had been OD'ed with the morphine....I see it just like it was happening over & over again. I keep wondering if I did it to myself because I felt it necessary to remember everything that happened in case the police were successful in catching the RN (which the DA threw out because of lack of evidence). I keep running over the experience hoping that something might click & be something that I missed telling them. On top of that, having no support in dealing with the fact that my Mother was really dying, no one would even tell me what was going on with here...it was only what I was observing & her Dr kept saying that "he got all the cancer".....up until 3 weeks before she died & tests showed that the cancer had spread to her lungs.....but no one told her or me what was happening. My psychologist suggested getting the Dr's notes on her appointments & go over them....then sit down with him & discuss why things were handled the way they were. The question of why my mother never once thought that she was dying of cancer made the end very difficult because the Dr's never told her that the cancer was there & that is was spreading.....I until the time when she couldn't talk anymore, she kept saying that her surgeon "saved her life". I am just having a real problem dealing with the way she died. Everyone around her thinks how gracefully she died, but they didn't see the real her. I was put into such a difficult position trying to keep the RN away from my Mother, not knowing what she might do to her.....then being blamed for over reacting by everyone around & that I was being cruel because I kept her boyfriend away from her because he was the neighbor of the RN & he daughter was the RN's best friend. Everything I did was wrong in the sight of all my Mothers friends.....I had to keep her church friends away from her also because her boyfriend belonged to her church. I was considered to be the bad guy & even my daughter was irritated (even though she kind of understood) because I didn't have the same big funeral that we had for my father. I had to keep is to the graveside funeral with only close friends & family....I had to plan the funeral from the hospital because I ended up so sick from the stress that I lost weight to the point of being anemic & having malnutrition. I still haven't recovered from the weight loss because my stress continues.

I don't know what I would do without my psychologist.....he is being really great, & helps me express alot of my feelings that I couldn't even talk about. He keeps telling me that with time, the flashbacks & nightmares will lessen, but it hasn't happened yet.

Like I said in my initial post, packing the houses is not at a critical point.....not having enough money to keep the house until it gets sold. I am trying to pull in all the money I have outstanding with people that owe me money....that may help me with 1 more month. I hate the position I am in because I am always the bad guy. My husband is doing guard work & the pay isn't much. He got a call to work over the holiday weekend. Those days were usually his days off & were the days when I could spend alot of extra time working on packing up my mothers home. I need him there with me....I just can't be there alone at all....& I do need his help getting all the boxes with junk in them so I can go through them. He got a call to work Sunday night & I didn't say anything about it.....but when he got a call to work the Monday, I lost it. I needed the time in the house without having to come home soon enough for him to go to work. When he is working he doesn't have any time to help me at all....on my mothers home nor with our own home. He works nights, then sleeps until about 5pm, then we take care of the horses, & drive down to my mothers home to take care of our dogs there & when he is working he ends up getting ready for work there & I can do whatever packing I can get done in that time......I get no help from him at all. I ended up blowing up on Monday & told him I needed the time at my Mothers home & when he works, I can't get enough done to get anywhere close to having the home put up for sale. As I was going off on the Monday situation, I realized that if I didn't have his full time help, we weren't going to be able to get our home packed up either & we would end up loosing it due to the fact that our money can't last more that a few months. His pay isn't enough to help keep the house.....he can barely pay his half of the utilities & no money towards the house payment. It hit me in the head that I needed his full time help to get everything done within the time limit & he wasn't making enough money working to help. I told him that he needed to think about the situation & that he needed to realize that if he quit work, he would be able to get the house packed up & not loose it, but if he continued working, & having no time to help pack up both homes, I can't do it by myself & am not getting anywhere the way we are going. I am always the bad guy & he got mad at me for saying what I thought. I kept trying to tell him that he needed to be thinking about the situation & he should be the one realizing what the solution should be....not just me. I ended up with such an anxiety attack I totally lost it. I decided to take a small dose of my seroquel, hoping it would help....no help at all. I ended up taking the dose I usually take at night & ended up knocking myself out. He tried to wake me up in the evening, but I was completely out. It ended up being a good thing that he had time for himself because after getting over being mad at me & going through all the possible options, he realized himself that he needed to quit his job & spend full time with me, packing up the houses. I was rather surprised that he realized on his own that what I said was right. I felt bad because I initially was going after just the day & while I was discussing that, it popped into my mind that it was his continued working that wasn't going to work out.

We also had a chance today to discuss & get settled with our neighbor, the contractor, all the work that he owed us along with the money we overpaid him. There were some arguments when he told me that work was done that hadn't been done.....but got him to realize that it wouldn't be in the condition it was now if he had done the work. I hate the stress of confronting someone about work that wasn't done.......my husband had tried several time to nicely tell him to set up a time to get together with us & resolve the situation. He kept ignoring my husbands requests.....then I left a message telling him that if he didn't get it resolved by June 1, I felt that the only way to reslove it then would be to file a case in small claims court. That got his attention & his action & we now have a date that everything will be finished by. We had over $3,000 of unfinished work with him, & he was continually giving excuses for not getting things finished. I had told him in January that he needed to call us up like everyother client. We don't do business with him just knocking at the door or giving him the key to our backyard. When I got his call responding to my final request to talk to him, he told me he tried to flag down my husband when he was in the front yard. I told him then that we had already made it clear that he had to call & not do business that way just because we were neighbors......I just want the work finished from last November.....that is how long it took him to get back to us...so you can imagine that I finally came to the end of my patience with him.

I still haven't done much research on finding a ranch to buy.....trying to pack up the huge mess in our own home is so time consuming I don't seem to find much time to do searches on the computer. There are so many things I need to have time for....I only get a few hours sleep everyday & seem to be runing on adreneline.....which doesn't help with my weight situation either.....stress always causes me to loose weight. I feel so guilty when I take time away from packing up everything.....then I end up working even harder trying to make up for lost time. When exhaustion kicks in, it doesn't leave me much choice other than to just crash & taking the seroquel knocks me out to the point where I am out for at least 8 hours which I really can't afford to do either.

I can't wait until it is all over, but even then, there will be tons of new stresses to deal with. I am tire of now & get exhausted just thinking about the future & trying to make sure I can get from this point A to point B......& I have to admit, I have a fear that I won't be able to bet to the point B (which isn't even defined yet). I have gone through many stressful times in my life, but this seems to be the worst of all.

Will try to get back here once in a while...I feel bad that I can't keep up with the things you all are going through right now....I am not used to having to focus so much on just my own situation.....but there is so much I have to deal with.....there is no relief for the overloaded feeling.

Thanks again,
Debbie