You really have gone through some things in your life. Journalling is an excellent way for me to cope and sort through things. If it is working for you it is an excellent way to acknowledge emotions and thoughts, however, f rom your post I am not sure if it is helping you or not. I too have trouble sleeping at times due to bad dreams and no that is not silly. Keep trying positive things to do. Paper ripping is a good idea if it works. Please take care of you.