...I had to read those things there a few times to understand the practical value of them, because I am often totally blinded by urges and fears. I really get the 'hell' bit there Brook!

That basically explains where I am at....its either HELL....or NOT HELL!

I have yet to find 'things' I immediately prefer to be doing yet....there is a big hole to fill in my personal little world there.

I think madisgram....you remind me of that grateful list now that I write this and realise that there is more good stuff going on in my little world and the 'hole' actually aint so deep!...

..and Perna, to somehow 'scale' down the urge into something managable relative to everything else....I can sure see the benefit there.

...and maybe thats just it....having the intense fear works for me but I lack understanding of it? So I am afraid of the HELL I would find myself in....afraid of losing all the good things in my little messy world and this is the real and bigger picture.....??

I am certain this is part of it....but when I get right down to it I really am immensely scared of what I am capable of when the alcohol hits, what I beome, how my thinking turns on me and the world...scared of how I treat myself like my own enemy....the intense hate and disgust rips me apart inside.
thats the real thing that stops me these days...the fear of turning on myself again.

DM