Thanks, guys, for all all your thoughtful replies. It's nice to not have to feel like a complete freak!

I'm pretty much of the "as long as it's not hurting anyone else" frame of mind myself. And while I wish I could have made my partner understand, maybe she really did get it and still thought "no way." It was a bit of a rough patch in our relationship, and I'm just as happy not to bring it up again for now. Maybe someday. And while I love her and am totally devoted to her, I know that if it was something I really felt I had to do, she'd give her blessing for me to fill that particular need elsewhere if she couldn't do it herself. So that's nice, at least.

But I'm still stuck on this question of "harm" and, I guess, what constitutes taking care of our needs. I think it's absolutely OK to do whatever we can to take care of our needs in healthy ways. But I've been wondering (all the moreso, thanks to Perna's post), is it really helpful and healthy to have these experiences in the present that try to do something to address past hurts? That goes for ageplay, but it also goes for the little things Ts do that make us feel good and like a little bit of justice has been restored. (Again, I'm thinking of Improving's thread, as well as all the threads where we're commiserating about our cold, uncaring Ts. Are tampons the way, or tough love?)

My T frequently says that we can talk about whatever--that's the goal--but what we can't do is (re)enact stuff. So I could talk as much as I felt like about wanting her to be my mom. (Would that I had such courage!) And she says I also really need to talk about and mourn my past and my relationship with my actual mom. (Also not happening, at least not yet.) But what's not going to happen on her watch is me doing things to try to force her into some maternal stance toward me and her responding in said maternal way. I absolutely hate that, because of course it's all I really want. Because I'm still convinced (on an emotional level, at least) that that would fix everything.

Is she right? Should it be all talk, no action on her part? If so, is that the attitude that one should take in general...that what's past is past, and there's nothing else to be done with it but to talk and mourn? Is anything else, as Kitten16 pointed out, about the repetition compulsion? Or can it (also) be a healthy way of working through things? And if so, how do we know when trying to heal past hurts goes from healthy to unhealthy?

Thanks again, guys. You're the greatest!