(trigger icon for mention of sui attempt, nothing else)

Three years ago tonight was my final suicide attempt. I survived, somehow, and today I can say that I am so glad I am alive. Even with all the pain and the fear that life dishes out, it is beautiful and I'm still here.

That said, I got a "congrats on living" text from ex-T just a few minutes ago and that text has thrown me into an emotional tailspin that all the high emotion of this day and this month of difficult anniversaries did not manage to do.

I know she didn't send the text to hurt me, but as soon as I recognized the number and realized it was from her, my entire body went numb. Then the stomach ache started, followed by tears.

I don't know what the "right" way to deal with this situation is, I don't know how I'm "supposed" to get through it, but the only thing I can do is just lock it away and keep moving forward. I will never get the closure that I want and deserve. That's just how life is sometimes, we don't always get what we need, much less what we want.

Unfortunately, for me part of healing has been avoiding PC. I spend a lot of time avoiding things that I know will illicit many memories of ex-T, with all the feelings that come with the memories. I don't know how else to stop crying and start functioning.

I continue to hope that someday I will be able to be a more active member of this board again. I am so grateful for the support I have gotten here. But, really, I just have to do whatever I can do to reduce the number of times per day that I think of ex-T. I don't know what else to do.